Guest Post by Britt Bolnick, In Arms Coaching
Six years ago was the worst time in my entire life.
I was a fairly new mother to a 12 month-old girl, living in a house that I hated and could barely afford. I had a husband who was cheating on me, almost never home and about to leave me. I had little to no close woman friends, worked exhausting nights in a restaurant waiting tables and bartending and lived in a neighborhood where I had no community at all. My daughter was (what I later learned) a high-needs baby — she needed to 
be connected to my body most of the time and still nursed through the night, leaving me completely drained and exhausted physically and energetically.
And then things got better. My husband left me. I couldn’t afford to live in the awful house anymore and had to leave. I quit my day job. I moved back into my mother’s apartment with my baby.
I’ve noticed that when you take the time to get quiet enough to listen to your heart, something interesting happens. Sort of like a massive centrifuge, your world begins spinning and everything that’s from your heart flies into the middle and wraps around your center. Everything that’s unnecessary, that’s extraneous, that’s no longer serving you, that doesn’t belong, just flies off into the universe in bits and pieces.
And when your world stops spinning, what’s left is that which is essential to your core.
Fast forward 5 years. I have work that I absolutely cannot wait to get started on each morning. I have a self-care practice for myself. I have lots of flexible time to spend with my daughter, and the amazing, supportive, loving community we’ve built around us. I have my mother in our life to take care of my daughter on date nights, or when I want to run errands without dragging an almost 6 year old around with me. I have date nights! I am out of debt and saving for our own home. I have an awesome relationship with an old-love-turned-new.
When I wake up each morning what I taste is freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom from scarcity and loneliness. Freedom from work that drains me and undervalues my self-worth. Freedom from dread and exhaustion.
When I wake up each morning it’s to a day filled with amazing private client calls, laughter, sun, love, bike rides, lunch time on the roof in the hammock, long days sitting with my laptop dreaming up ways of serving women, finding new ways to connect with women, using my time as a structure that serves me, and in turn, supports me in serving other women.
My vision is for women everywhere to wake up loving their days.
How much do you love your days on a scale of 1-5, with 1 being “Can’t even get out of bed in the morning,” and 5 being “jumped up smiling?”
How did I get from trapped and miserable to joyful and free? Here are a few of the really crucial steps that I took and that I guide my private clients through in our work together.
1. Identify and prioritize what kind of support you need. I stretched myself further than I thought I could financially to enroll in an amazing life coaching program for women and that was literally the rope I used to climb out of the hole I was stuck in. I also began reaching out and building a small community of other women for help, an ear, company, and inspiration. I moved back in with my mother for a time to save money and get crucial help with my baby.
2. Begin the work of reconnecting with yourself. In the stress, shock and difficulty of the last year I had totally lost my connection with myself — my guiding force, my inner wisdom. I had no idea what made me happy, what I needed, where I wanted to go from the place I was standing in, or how to get moving forward. I had to stop and focus inwards to get that information. Once I was able to reconnect with myself I found that I had all the answers I needed — from within.
3. Decide you are ready to commit to change. It’s said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yet we live the same way, from the same old beliefs and behavior patterns, in the same old relationships, and we wonder why we can’t change our lives! Healthy, positive, and sustainable change takes commitment to examining what you’re doing and why, and then changing the parts that no longer work for you. Sometimes that’s hard to do using the same old beliefs and tools that haven’t been working for you all along. Often you really have to step outside of the box you’ve been folded up inside.
But I can’t tell you how brightly the sun is shining, out here.
Britt Bolnick is the joyful owner and master coach of In Arms Coaching, a life coaching opportunity for women. She is passionate about supporting women in living each day from a place of personal power and joy, while building meaningful work, healthy, loving relationships and a deep connection to self. She is a single mama splitting her time between NYC and Portland, Maine. Her website is http://blog.inarmscoaching.com.
I love this article! I had something similar happen to me although my kids are older… certainly glad to know I am not alone in this!
Hope – You are most definitely not alone. Thank you for sharing your comment! As I commented to Melissa – it helps everyone who isn’t commenting know that they are also not alone!
-Patty
Thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom. I loved reading this article. I hope it inspires others as it has me. Thanks again for sharing!
Vicki – When Britt told me her story it inspired me beyond belief and I knew it was a story that moms everywhere needed to hear. She is open and honest. I admire her greatly.
A beautiful post. Thank you. I am in a similar place right now. Your words brought tears…but also hope. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Melissa- You are not alone. We have members at Mom Gets A Life that are also going through this. I know that many more are suffering silently. Thank you for being willing to add your comment because it reminds those that are reading and not leaving a comment that they really aren’t alone.
Dear Women,
I’m just seeing these comments…I am so happy that this piece has touched you. It was really important for me to write because I felt so ISOLATED and alone when I was going through this period, and that was the worst part of it all. So it’s really important for me to share because I want to reach other women to let them know that they’re not alone.
Melissa, please feel free to get in touch with me through my website, http://www.InArmsCoaching.com. Support is crucial at times like these. I know.
Thank you for reading!
Much much love,
Britt
Not everyone had the choice you had to move in with their mother, or wants to move to disrupt their child’s life. Some women have chosen to stay home with their children despite un-nourishing partnerships to give them that start in life, and when that time is over don’t have the income to support their children on their own. In the suburbs it’s very different. People are overworked and isolated and don’t have time for friends. This is what I’ve found. I’m happy that things worked out for you, but you had possibilities not everyone does.
Hi Connie!
Thank you first and foremost for being a reader and sharing your perspective. That alone is a choice you make in your life and I appreciate your sharing with this community.
No one piece of information serves everyone and it is your choice to discard what does not serve you.
What is most important to me is that every mom feels empowered to make her choices and feel supported. There is only one person who knows what is right for you and your family and that is you. That is true for all of us. That understanding is what I originally lost in my life.
I stopped looking inside myself for the answer thinking experts “out there” knew better than me how I could be a good mom and a good person. Once I came back to myself and my own intuition life shifted.
Everyone has choices. They may not be the same choices but understanding that there are always choices is the key to freedom. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, Connie! Like the other women that commented here I know your courage to share your story has reduced the isolation other mothers who are reading this blog feel.
Hi Connie,
Such an excellent point, and I thank you for bringing it up. You’re absolutely right — we all have different options, we all have different choices we can and do make. My story is about mine, and how I found the ways to rebuild after my life fell apart. My work is to guide women to the choices, situations and tools that will help each of them rebuild in their own way — and you are so right that it looks different for every single one of us.
My dream, my vision, is to use what I’ve learned both personally and professionally to help women who feel overworked, isolated and alone connect with the possibilities in their lives.
So thank you so much for bringing this up. Our choices can be hard, our work can feel overwhelming, but we don’t have to do it alone or unsupported.
much love,
Britt
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Bright Blessings!
Mark Rinker
great article:)I really enjoyed, and had similar situation(…)I have one question, you wrote “…I have an awesome relationship with an old-love-turned-new”, is that means that u came back to your ex husband?
Hi Awesomes,
No, my daughter’s father and I parted ways. The old-love-turned-new is actually a way older relationship than the one I had with my ex-husband. 🙂
Thanks for asking!
Love,
Britt
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