Two months ago I shared that I had begun a process of surrender. I can assure you this is not for the faint of heart. My lizard brain has kicked into high gear as I kicked my business into low gear. The small evil snarling voice in my head said “How dare you stop?!!!” over and over again.
There is a small part of me I’m not proud of, but I’m learning to own. It is filled with fear and anxiety that was kept at bay with busy-ness. I’ve learned through non-doing that I’m addicted to busy-ness. Its been my drug of choice for avoiding the snarling voice causing all this anxiety.
I don’t think I was always addicted to busy-ness. In the beginning of creating this business I was focused on serving and although I worked ALOT, it felt right.
But at some point I should have slowed down. At some point I should have caught my breath. Like when my mom died or my husband lost his job or when he went back to work and we needed to find new balance. Maybe I should have paused after the first conference was launched or I hit six figures.
But it never happened. I never stopped and that can take its toll. I’m learning that we need to recalibrate along this journey. We can’t constantly be in a state of creation, of doing, of pushing. There must be rest, deep rest – of the body, mind and soul. (And a 90 minute yoga class two times a week does not suffice.)
I’ve shed lots of tears these last couple of months; mostly from old wounds I never took the time to heal… The loss of a mother, challenges of motherhood, huge scary family illnesses, financial challenges and on and on the list goes.
I can tell I’m healing. I’m proud of the fact that I stopped before my body forced me too. I’ve gotten to the point that becoming as busy as I was just a few short months ago is as anxiety-provoking as this surrender period is. I take that as a good sign. Some kind of tipping point.
From this point forward I’m going to keep you more in the loop of what is going on with this whole surrender thing because its pretty cool. I’ve been sent shamans, teachers and healers. I’ve learned some things about myself I would have previously tried to ignore or destroy. Now that I’ve accepted those parts of me I feel more whole.
And isn’t that what we are all searching for…to feel complete, to feel connected?
I think my striving for financial success was simply striving for that sense of wholeness… I was searching for safety in a world that markets fear. When what I really needed was to stop allowing the part of the world that markets fear to take up so much room in my head.
As I surrender to the divine inside me I can feel the flow of prosperity open up. I’m understanding better what I want and in that space I am able to appreciate how much I already have.
What about you – are you chasing success and never really appreciating what has already arrived? Or have you found the secret to the flow of life? If you have, I’d love for you to share below. I suspect each of us contains a piece of the answer and if we all got a bit more honest, we’d all be alot more free.